130425 It's hard sometimes...

The past week or so I have kind of been hold up in my room just working on my dissertation. It's 11,000 words and I've done like 3700. It's not due for over a month and I have some statistical stuff left to do with my results. I'm kind of happy with the stuff I've done so far but yeah it's nerve wracking as it's worth two modules worth of credits. Which is quite a lot considering theres 6 modules per academic year. I have two assignments after that then I am done with my degree! It's very scary but also quite exciting. I think I mentioned I'm taking a year out to learn to drive and get a bit of money behind me in case I end up doing a masters. It will be nice to have other short term goals other than assignments and academia

I mentioned that I'm working on a comic I think. It's going to be something that I can really dive into over summer, finding different techniques to create the art and maybe even draft some of the storyline. I also want to make sure I understand the process of writing and drawing a comic before I really start writing. I've heard the process of scripting and stuff which sounds exciting. I alwasy get so down about my art, I feel it never comes out fluid enough, it's always stiff and awful but I started using and awesome website for posing and getting perspective down it's called Pose My Art and it's been very helpful.

My experience with art has always been very uniform and rigid. I always hough art was only impressive if it was realism so I have always boxed myself into trying to do that only. Yes, learning the basics of anatomy and form froms real people/objects is good, but, I find that this inability to allow myself to express myself has really made my art rigid. I'd say I am quite proud of my realism portraits, I love drawing people, especially musicians and actors I like. But I want to break free of this box I have made for myself and really delve into the more creative side of art. I have tried many times and felt I have always failed but then again, my academia has gotten in the way of me feeling like I can devote too much time to art. Plus, being at uni I don't have a lot of my art supplies. I looooveeee sculpting so much, but it's not something I can really do at uni as I love polymer clay and it makes the oven smell, I don't want to gas my flat mates. Not that it's toxic, just doesn't smell pleasant.

But yeah I am planing on experimenting more with art, especially over summer when I have all my stuff in one place. Art has also beena really good way for me recently to disconnect from the internet. I think most people find these days apps like tiktok and instagram consume their time without it even being purposeful. I've also tried using other platforms such tumblr more but I will always been an instagram fan at heart.

In other news, been feeling really shit about my appearance! Especially my body! But what afab person doesn't in their life. Triggering warning I guess but I actually felt like relapsing into cutting last night. Basically just cuz I'm starting my period today lolzzzz. I think the main thing that stopped me was having to explain it to my bf but also the fact I have been clean since before I met him (almost three years) and I know I would just throw myself further into depression if I did it. I'm glad I can stop myself now, I can talk myself out of it n stuff. It's hard when the urges come back every few months, it's usually over something stupid. I started watch season 3 of Skins (UK one obvs) and I think the entire depressing nature of the show plus how skinny everyone is really set me off. I have noticed that though, when I am in any sort of sensitive head space, watching media to do with shitty mental health or anything just makes me spiral. Not fun! I have no idea why my brain is so impressionable like that, like I have to be sad along with the characters. I have no clue. Generally, my mental health has been the best it's been since I was like 13 which was when I started my meds. I went off them for a few months in summer last year and holllyyyyyyy helllll was that bad decision. I was so insanely anxious all the time, and even now when I don't renew my prescription in time I get so anxious and short-tempered. It makes me wonder, is that withdrawls or am I just naturally like that without meds? I mean, when I was off them for those months, surely the withdrawl period was only the first few weeks? So then after that, was what I was feeling just me? I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't think about it. I am just grateful I am able to afford my meds and also that they work reasonably well.

To close this very long and rambly post out, I wanted to talk about things that make me happy recently, moreso just for myself, to remind myself that life is good right now. So hmmmmm should I list it...? Yeah, here it is:

So the first thing that's making me happy recently is of course my lovely boyfriend. We have been living together with my friends this academic year and it's a nice transition into when we eventually live together. I just appreciate and love him so much. He just gets me, even when I get so stressed I just don't want to speak. We like the same music and enjoy the same stuff its so nice.

Well I guess that wasn't really just recently but I need to remind myself that he's there for me and I'm not alone when I feel poopoo.

Secondly, I think drawing has been really fun like I've been yapping about. I want to try and let loose and let it be a stress relieving endeavour, not a stress inducing one, and I think I am on the right track with that

Thirdly, I have been such a fangirl recently, mainly mcr. I just miss those good ole days of me being a kpop fangirl and wtaching videos about them and just fangirling, it was so fun. Maybe people might think I am too old now or it's weird to admire these bands when I have a bf, but tbh, it's them making it weird. Just cuz I can admire and agree that these men are obviously attractive, I like them for what they stand for, their music and also the personalities that they show to their fans. They just seem cool. And honeslty, a lot of that has been gender envy and stuff but that's a topic for another blog post, this is getting too long lol.

I am also always grateful for my mum. She's always there for me and although I feel she's often very lonely, she's always just so awesome. It will be nice being home next year and being able to help her around the house, walk the dogs and feed the cats or whatever. Just being with her will be nice because after my grandma died last year, I know she's felt very isolated. She started a new job which is nice for her but the other women who wrok there seem cattyand a bit bitchy... Anyway I love my mum and I appreciate all she does for me, I want to see her happy

Hmmm I can't think of anything else, music is very good for me and I've been findng a bunch of new bands and albums, plus my CD collection is growing so much lol it's already too much for my racks hehe. But not anything spectacular to report other than my fangirl activities...

So hmmm, that's all I can think to ramble about right now. I will probably be back in a few weeks to update you on my dissertation despairs but yeah... I want to also add to my art page in the summer to, maybe a blog like thing to update the progress on my comic? Or just general art and maybe talk about supplies idk... but yeah, that's all for now! Peace out internet roamers.

Is this not the funniest fucking gif ever?? I named it "dangersugoi.gif"...