021025 my future and dealing with the uncertainty of the world (SIKE!)

hmmmm its been a little while since i wrote a blog post. things have been kinda boring i guess? i got a job as a cleaner at a local docotors surgery for like 2 weeks but i couldnt handle it due to my chronic illness and had to quit. it was making me super depressed and i didnt want to let anyone down... the way things were being ran stressed me out and i felt i couldnt clean properly with the hours given despite this not being my fault, i didnt want the docotors and nurses to look down on me as incompetent just cuz i didnt have time to go into their rooms. anyway thats all over and i got paid for the work i did which was swag. it is is a big relief off my shoulders. even tho it was onyl such a short amount of time it did feel really depressing and anxiety provoking. i tried to go with it, thinking it was just new job jitters but no, it definitely wouldn't have worked in the long run... anyway im still currently on the hunt for a local job that i can use to save up money for a masters! speaking of,,, i was thinking of maybe studying a masters in a different city, one ive been to on holiday but not too familiar with. the course and facilities look very good and its rated very highly in the biological sciences department. but we'll see!

whilst being unemplyed (lol) iv been trying to hone my ball jointed doll (BJD) making. so far, i ahve made 2 full dolls in polymer clay and have decided its not really the most appropriate medium for the type of dolls i like to make. i bought the premier air dry clay from padico, ive heard its good for dolls and strong for when the doll is strung and pulled taught. the main issue i was having was during half-baking the plymer clay and it cracking as i trying to split it and remove the foil inside. with air dry clay, i can allow it to air dry for a few hours and then cut into it easily while its still soft. im hopig this medium will go a lot more smoothly so i can perfect the dolls and maybe start selling them on etsy! another issue ive had is with the paint rubbing away at the joints; despite adding a material lining, as well as priming and varnsihing the pieces, the paint still peels. i am wondering if this could be due to the type of primer i am using, ive been using acrylic gesso which is used to prime canvases and i dont think its really appropriate for sculpture, nevermind dolls with moving parts. i have heard of mr super clear (from my days of watching dollightful customs hehehe) and id like to get some as it seems reliable as both a sealant and primer, as well as between layers. though, it is quite expensive and im not the richest right now haha. anyway yeah, i have yet to make clothes for my most recent doll (a half-baby, half hebridean sheep little girl). im planning on giving her a pinifore and blouse. i would like to get a sewing machine to make the creation of clothes for not only my bjds, but also my blythe doll clothes, a lot less tedious. i like hand sewing but it takes a while and is hard to create cinching and ruffle when you need to keep the fabric taught for such long periods...

thats enough artsy farsty talk. lets talk FANFIC MUHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHE. ive been a lot more open about readinf fanfic with my partner and friends recently and i really dont see the shame in it, tho the exact details of the ones i read might only be said here... i have read two very amazing snape x reader/OC fics one being 'Of Beasts, Serpents, and Hallows' by ScarletThorn9979 and the other it's the little things by liv2read. the former i just read and completed in the last day. it was amazing, pretty much my head cannon for snape, except for the fact he was a bit too forward and open with the growing relationship with the OC. in my humble opinion, i think snape is 100% virgin and celibate since lily lol and would not drop his emotional gaurds so easily. that said the pacing is much nicer than the other fic i mentioned. my gooodddddd its sooooo long and mainly filled with fart about the OC's backstory. which, dont get me wrong, is really fleshed out and really cool, and without that annoying main character most obviously self insert fics have. but yeah its literally the length of ALL lotr books INCLUDING the appendices and its not even done. tags say "eventual smut" BITCH WHEN they have only just realised they have feelings for each mannnnnn. that said the moments they have had together r so good and "smouldering" indeed. i started the one by scarletthorn9979 after and it was nice get that pacing, tho i do think the depiction of snape in liv2reads fic is much more like my head cannon for him. i feel too many fics of snape depict his emotionsl (and in turn, sexual) repression as some overly dominant aggressive sex demon, but i truly believe bro has no fucking experience and is absolutley clueless and would defintiely take as long as liv2read's fic world to lower his defences (tho frustrating, he literally trained his whole life to input these mental walls soooo). anyway yeah another thing i like was both these fics focused on nature too which was really nice. the shorter one on magical beasts and eastern european heritage, and the longass one on botany and biochemistry. both OC's are rarely infuriating which is refreshing becuase i feel harry potter (especially snape wives) fandoms definitely has many millenial authors who write really obnoxious characters. anyway, id like to find some more similar snape fics because bruhhh i love me a good broody and mysterious man who needs to be corrupted and broken down wait who said that not me anyway. GERARD WAYS KINK SERVICE. what a fucking fic. i actually have like a chpate or two left but holy heck that sit is filthy... and i like it. HOWEVER not sure i can really get behind the whole barking shit bro. like submissive and gettng on ur knees is on thing but barking? nah steps the line for me...

um... anyway moving on from my ao3 reading habits... me and my partner recently had our third year anniversary!!! it was amazing omg, we booked a hotel in another city and saw pierce the veil on the date and walked around and had yummy food the day before. the hotel even uprgraded our room for free and we had a massive showe it was awesome. the bathroom also had som witchcraft mirror that didnt fog up after u had a shower and i was so impressed and realised thats how rich people live lol. the people in the lobby looked at me funny, like have u never seen a tatted and pierced up emo in a swanky hotel before hellloooooo. lol anyway yeah the trip was so lovely and we both had an amazing time hehehehehe.

been so ill this past week and its finally letting up, im going to see my friends mums art show tomrrow n hubby coming to see me so hopefully itll go soon... i was gonna talki about the state of the world but im too happy thinking of art and being a fangirl and lifes too depressing as it is so ill let myself have a relaxing night and leave this blog post here. i need to update this website more but i always forget hehe and idk if anyone even reads it, cuz since i made it just as a cool online diary i can take it at my own pace...

i can here the rain falling on the window and i think im gonna listen to the malice mizer music i totally aquried legally whilst drawing for da night hehe. peace out my internet space luv ya xoxo